Ive been writing this little by little its a bit crazy.
What I have been through today. I dont want this on facebook and I just need to get it out.
I just read Austin’s news story… They called him a man. He was a man. Barely a man. I miss him. I wish I could have seen him one last time but God needed him in heaven.
I keep replaying what the wreck must have been like. I hope it was instant like they said…
I remember everyone calling me last night. My dad called and asked if I was okay around 7:00 or so and told me that Austin was missing… “Had you heard from him?” I said “no I havent” so I texted Austin “Im worried about ya” because Manda told me he was missing too. The storms came through and papaw called around 9 to see if I was ok. He didn’t say anything about Austin.
I then got a phone call from my momma.
She was hysterical. Said they found him dead.
I broke down… I had no idea how much it was going to hurt. I cried and cried. I said no it can’t be. It was a sick dream.
I drove home today. Saw my family, my pastor, my dad, my stepmom, everyone, before my aunt got home.
When she got home no one could hold it in. It was hard. Just hard. The house had a permanent heavyness in it you couldn’t shake.
Us cousins were tight. We were brothers and sisters, best friends. Austin was an only child and he only had us. He was like a brother to amanda. We were so tight knit. Every sunday we had dinner at grandmas whether you could make it or not it still went on.
We used to sing on the swingset as little kids. Singing Jesus Loves me and B.I.B.L.E. even the Pokemon theme song. We used to play rocketpower on grandmas couch, we used to ride fourwheelers together and go karts, I used to go to his baseball games, go to VBS with him…
I had no Idea how hard this was going to be.
I had no Idea how hard that visitation would be… He was so peaceful… I held grandmas hand the entire time. It really freaked me out. He was so close yet he was gone… It was like looking at a wax statue… His eyes were closed. I wish I didn’t see him… But Im glad I did at the same time.
Gaylene couldnt get his pictures for the slideshow together… It still seems like a dream still but I grabbed Manda an we pulled out every photo deal we could find and pulled the best pictures. We had so many with his perfect smile. I will remember him that way His beautiful smile. His perfect smile. His funny jokes. Emily came over and we started talking about him. About when the pictures were taken what we remembered from that day. Coby came over and all four of us looked through the ones we picked out.
We shouldnt have had to do that. There shouldnt be four of us… There needs to be five. Five grandkids for grandma and papaw. There were four before Emily was born. Emmy Made five… I want us five back. The entire time at my aunts I was thinking someone was missing… But it was who we lost…
Theres only four of us now.
We picked out songs. See you when I see you, In Color, Blackbird, I can only imagine, Theres a few more but I dont remember. I hope he likes them.
Manda and I sneaked outside to watch his news story… We didn’t want the family to see it on the big tv so we watched it on our phone. He was handsome. They called him a man.
I just read his obituary…
I just want him back. I want his jokes, his teasings, his smile, his voice. I just want him back.
It was a freak accident. It shouldnt have happened. Not to us. Not us.
I just want to cry